Posted tagged ‘social commentary’

Four Resolutions You Won’t Keep

December 28, 2010

It’s getting to be that time of year, again. You know, the end of the year. And also the beginning of the year. We’re at the precipice of the dawn of a new year! and all that other crap.

Now, I don’t make new year’s resolutions, but I know that some of you do. And you make lists of them. Lists. So I went ahead and Googled some common resolutions, so I could add my insight. Here’s my list of the top resolutions you won’t keep, and my solution to your problem.

1) Lose Ten Pounds
Why you won’t keep it:
It’s HARD to lose ten pounds! And even harder to keep the ten pounds OFF for an entire year. Ugh. An you have to exercise and eat less? Fuck that.
Paul’s Solution: GAIN ten pounds. Because you know what’s super easy? Putting ON weight. And food is delicious. And NOT exercising is pretty damn relaxing. Sure, it’s maybe not the sexiest resolution, but I bet it makes you feel pretty damn awesome doing it.

2) Start A New Hobby
Why you won’t keep it:
Ugh. BORING! Unless this new hobby is something kick ass like “learn to turn normal everyday items, like a chainsaw, into a weapon for the coming zombie apocolypse,” starting a new hobby – like, say, knitting – sounds pretty lame. And routines are hard to break, so fitting a new hobby into your life could be really time consuming.
Paul’s Solution: Quit an old hobby. Like knitting. Nobody actually likes people who knit, we just like it when you give us free scarves or hats, even though they’re too loosely knit to actually serve any kind of useful function. Knitters think they’re better than other people, but, really, they’re taking perfectly good zombie-fighting weapons and completely mis-appropriating them to make useless crap with yarn.

3) Drink Less / Quit Drinking Entirely
Why you won’t keep it:
Because drinking is awesome. You feel great (at least until morning), it tastes good, it brings people together, it might help you get laid, it’s fun, it helps you forget all that debt you accumulated going to an over-priced school … I could go on, but, really, what’s the point. Don’t quit drinking. Unless you lost your job because of it. Or something else equally serious. Then you should probably quit drinking.
Paul’s Solution: Drink more water before you go to sleep after a night of drinking. Hydration fights the hangover, and hangovers are at least one of the reasons you want to stop anyway (I can’t help you stop the stupid shit you do/say when you’re hammered. Quick potential solution: buy a helmet to keep safe and duct tape to cover your mouth). Eliminate the hangover, eliminate the problem. So drink up!

4) Help Others
Why you won’t keep it:
Fuck “others.” How’s about they help ME? I’m stretched pretty thin, what with paying bills, student loans (hence the drinking, see above), and other miscellaneous shit that costs money, and I could totally use some extra cash, but I don’t see people lining up to give me charity. We might be coming out of a recession, but I sure as hell don’t feel better about my personal financial state of affairs. The only reason I’m going to a soup kitchen is for the free dinner.
Paul’s Solution: Grow a mustache for charity and get other people to help others in your name. Boom. Done. Check it out:

So, there you have it, potential “new year, new you”s. Good luck with all that betterment. I’m going to go sit on the couch, crack open a beer, throw away some yarn, and not shave. Bring on 2011!



Washington, DC

April 16, 2010

Hi Washington, DC.

All in all, I like you. You’re a cute little city and your downtown is very clean. I also enjoy the sight seeing and free museums.

I had some issues, though, with your Metro system. Yes, it got me around just fine and it was easy to figure out and it was very helpful and all that. And getting cell phone service on most lines was SUPER convenient! But three things bother me.

1) Who the hell put CARPET on subway cars?! That’s just nasty.

2) I have to use my metro card both when I enter AND leave the subway?! COME ON! That’s just inconvenient.

3) It’s pretty dark in your stations. Making it a) difficult to read my book and b) totally unsafe. Invest in some lights!

Anyway, I plan on visiting again soon. You know, for the museums. But get to work on this subway system, ok?


Things I Didn’t Realize…

March 9, 2010

Today’s Item: The front of the New York Stock Exchange, so well known for the giant American flag stretched across its columns, is a viable advertising location.

I guess, though, that it’s the American way, really. I mean, the NYSE is iconic. It’s the symbol of the American finance industry (that and the Bull in the Financial District and Warren Buffett’s face). And, most importantly, it’s impartial. The American flag on the NYSE was the perfect fit.

Now, apparently, the space is up for grabs. Charles Schwab (a NYSE listed company, as the ad points out) bought up the space for a giant advertisement. This picture was taken by my sister, who was visiting New York with a friend and wanted to show off her tour guide skills. So she went to the NYSE to see the giant American flag, only to find it replaced by an ad lauding investors.

The front of the NYSE went from a giant patriotic flag, symbolising American greatness to an advertisement for some of the very people that showed America’s financial weaknesses, literally TELLING us that they “rule.” Thanks, Chuck. As if we didn’t know that already.

Maybe the ad was funded by their bonuses…


p.s. Things I Didn’t Realize might become a recurring theme on the site. Let me know what you think.

Mankind’s Greatest Threat

February 16, 2010

My friend Devon posed an interesting question to the world via his gmail status about incredible dangers to mankind and civilization as we know it: “could there be any greater threat to humanity than zombie robots?”

At first, I thought, well, hell, he might just have a point, there … until I gave it some thought…

Killer zombie angry hippos with an insatiable taste for human blood. BOOM! There’s your threat, humanity!

How the hell would you stop a two ton angry zombie hippo? I mean, hell, how do you stop a normal angry hippo, let alone an angry hippo with a taste for human blood? Answer: You can’t. It would be a horrifyingly deranged game of hungry hungry hippos where people are the marbles and the unstoppable zombie hippos chase you down!

Sure, there are some logistical issues like, “how’d the hippos turn into zombies in the first place?” and “how’d they get the taste of human blood?” and “how the hell would they travel across continents?” and “would humans turn into zombies after being bitten?” and other nonsensical questions that can all be answered with logic: There’s an evolutionary virus that triggered once hippos were spread out through enough zoos and rivers worldwide that turns them into insatiably hungry, head-eating zombies seeking out the largest, most abundant, most defenseless food source around: humans. See what I mean? logic.

And then we’d all die. Because you can’t stop an angry zombie hippo that’s out to get you. The zombie hippos would take over the world. Our best defense, I think, would be stairs. Lots of stairs.

But oh god. What if the killer zombie hippos were robots?!


King of the Block

January 19, 2010

You know how you know you’ve finally made it to the big time of life? When you’ve finally struck it rich?

When you have a urinal in your house. I mean, does it get any better than that??

That’s how you become King of the Block.

I wonder if my landlord would let us install one…


Misplaced Effort

December 15, 2009

Today I saw a woman running, nay, sprinting to make the elevator at my subway stop.

This herculean effort to catch the elevator seems absolutely ridiculous to me. Couldn’t she just walk calmly to the 25 or so stairs that’d take her to street level? I mean, sure, you’d actually have to walk up them, but you’re already RUNNING to the elevator.

Can you really be that … lazy? Ridiculous.


The Way It Should Be

December 10, 2009

Last night after watching the season finale of Glee, I was flipping through the paltry offerings of broadcast TV when, after deciding not to watch the Spanish channel, I ended up with Sesame Street.

Now, I hadn’t seen Sesame Street since I was younger, but I succinctly remember fond memories of the show. I’ve gotta say, though, I was impressed. Not only did I thoroughly enjoy watching the show (Elmo still annoys the crap out of me, but I can look past it), it was educational.

Well, maybe not education for me, per se, but educational for kids. This is what children’s programming should be like: fun, funny, entertaining, and educational. Heck, I learned to count eight or nine different times during the show. And I learned about the letter I.

I don’t know if you’ve seen filth like Teletubbies, but my god. Kids should not be exposed to acid-trippy television. Ever. Or Barney, the beyond annoying purple dinosaur that my sister used to love. Get all the kids hooked on Sesame Street again. There are few things in life that can’t be taught by Cookie Monster.