Posted tagged ‘humor’

Four Resolutions You Won’t Keep

December 28, 2010

It’s getting to be that time of year, again. You know, the end of the year. And also the beginning of the year. We’re at the precipice of the dawn of a new year! and all that other crap.

Now, I don’t make new year’s resolutions, but I know that some of you do. And you make lists of them. Lists. So I went ahead and Googled some common resolutions, so I could add my insight. Here’s my list of the top resolutions you won’t keep, and my solution to your problem.

1) Lose Ten Pounds
Why you won’t keep it:
It’s HARD to lose ten pounds! And even harder to keep the ten pounds OFF for an entire year. Ugh. An you have to exercise and eat less? Fuck that.
Paul’s Solution: GAIN ten pounds. Because you know what’s super easy? Putting ON weight. And food is delicious. And NOT exercising is pretty damn relaxing. Sure, it’s maybe not the sexiest resolution, but I bet it makes you feel pretty damn awesome doing it.

2) Start A New Hobby
Why you won’t keep it:
Ugh. BORING! Unless this new hobby is something kick ass like “learn to turn normal everyday items, like a chainsaw, into a weapon for the coming zombie apocolypse,” starting a new hobby – like, say, knitting – sounds pretty lame. And routines are hard to break, so fitting a new hobby into your life could be really time consuming.
Paul’s Solution: Quit an old hobby. Like knitting. Nobody actually likes people who knit, we just like it when you give us free scarves or hats, even though they’re too loosely knit to actually serve any kind of useful function. Knitters think they’re better than other people, but, really, they’re taking perfectly good zombie-fighting weapons and completely mis-appropriating them to make useless crap with yarn.

3) Drink Less / Quit Drinking Entirely
Why you won’t keep it:
Because drinking is awesome. You feel great (at least until morning), it tastes good, it brings people together, it might help you get laid, it’s fun, it helps you forget all that debt you accumulated going to an over-priced school … I could go on, but, really, what’s the point. Don’t quit drinking. Unless you lost your job because of it. Or something else equally serious. Then you should probably quit drinking.
Paul’s Solution: Drink more water before you go to sleep after a night of drinking. Hydration fights the hangover, and hangovers are at least one of the reasons you want to stop anyway (I can’t help you stop the stupid shit you do/say when you’re hammered. Quick potential solution: buy a helmet to keep safe and duct tape to cover your mouth). Eliminate the hangover, eliminate the problem. So drink up!

4) Help Others
Why you won’t keep it:
Fuck “others.” How’s about they help ME? I’m stretched pretty thin, what with paying bills, student loans (hence the drinking, see above), and other miscellaneous shit that costs money, and I could totally use some extra cash, but I don’t see people lining up to give me charity. We might be coming out of a recession, but I sure as hell don’t feel better about my personal financial state of affairs. The only reason I’m going to a soup kitchen is for the free dinner.
Paul’s Solution: Grow a mustache for charity and get other people to help others in your name. Boom. Done. Check it out:

So, there you have it, potential “new year, new you”s. Good luck with all that betterment. I’m going to go sit on the couch, crack open a beer, throw away some yarn, and not shave. Bring on 2011!



Life, In Transit

July 12, 2010

It’s been an incredibly long time since we here at The Very Important Things have posted anything, and for that I apologize. It’s been busy and, unfortunately, TVIP has been the victim of my lack of free time.

One of the reasons for this newfound timelessness is my landing of a new job. With an hour and a half commute (I know what you’re thinking: there’s your free time right there, paul! – and you’d be right. So writing shall recommence.).

I’m also going to add a new repeating theme/section: Life, In Transit. LiT will document some random thoughts, sights, sounds, ramblings, events, etc ¬†from my life, in transit.

Here’s the first go.

Life, In Transit.

Today, on the final leg of my end-of-the-day commute, as I trekked up the subway stairs at 96th street, I saw a man, presumably homeless, asleep on the stairs. His sole  possession, aside from the clothes on his back, was a sword Рa katana, really Рin a sheath, in a garbage bag.

No part of that was hyperbolic in the telling.

A homeless man, asleep on the stairs, with a sword in a garbage bag.

Several things came to mind when I saw this:
1) What the hell is a homeless guy doing with a sword??
2) I bet no other homeless people mess with this guy.
3) I kind of want to steal his sword.
4) That’s a REALLY stupid idea. That could go REALLY wrong.
5) I wonder if he’s a homeless ninja…
6) A homeless ninja would be a really awesome recurring character in a book/story/tv show/blog…
7) Bob, The Homeless Ninja. Harry, The Homeless Ninja. Brian, The Homeless Ninja…
8 ) Crimefighting homeless ninja?
9) Nah, just ass-kicking homeless ninja, maybe a little down on his luck
10) This recession has been especially hard on freelance ass kickory.
11) I wonder if ninjas have a union…
12) ad nauseum

I guess my point here is this: Beware sword-wielding homeless men.


Washington, DC

April 16, 2010

Hi Washington, DC.

All in all, I like you. You’re a cute little city and your downtown is very clean. I also enjoy the sight seeing and free museums.

I had some issues, though, with your Metro system. Yes, it got me around just fine and it was easy to figure out and it was very helpful and all that. And getting cell phone service on most lines was SUPER convenient! But three things bother me.

1) Who the hell put CARPET on subway cars?! That’s just nasty.

2) I have to use my metro card both when I enter AND leave the subway?! COME ON! That’s just inconvenient.

3) It’s pretty dark in your stations. Making it a) difficult to read my book and b) totally unsafe. Invest in some lights!

Anyway, I plan on visiting again soon. You know, for the museums. But get to work on this subway system, ok?


Unanswerable Questions

March 30, 2010

Unanswerable Question: How can we, in a time when I carry the internet in my pocket, can connect to anyone, anytime with my tiny cell phone, NOT have mastered umbrella technology yet?

Here’s what we need: An affordable umbrella that’s impervious to being inverted by the wind. I know there are a few models out there that claim to be wind-proof, but I also don’t want to pay $80 for an umbrella. I like to think that someone can invent a way to cheaply produce the perfect umbrella. I feel like umbrella technology has sort of stalled at Mary Poppins (hell, a flying umbrella is pretty much the pinnacle of umbrella technology) … so press on umbrella scientists! PRESS ON!

I mean, let’s take look at coat technology. Remember being a kid and the only way to truly stay warm was to layer like crazy and then throw on a giant thick coat (Starter pullover, anyone?) so you look like Randy in A Christmas Story (I can’t put my arms down!). Now I can wear a tee shirt under a jacket-thin coat and be kept incredibly warm, even in below-zero weather. Where’s this kind of innovation with the umbrella?!

And how about umbrella salesmen on the street corner? There’s no twirling like we saw in Seinfeld, there’s just some creepy dude with a shoddy $4 umbrella that probably cost about five cents and will break before you make it to the office. There’s no pageantry in that. And no respite from the wind and rain, either.


If I had $90,000….

March 17, 2010


photo courtesy Wired

Yeah, it’s a jet pack. And, according to the Wired headline, it’s both “safe and affordable.”

Now, I want a jet pack as much as the next guy (which is a LOT. I mean, I REALLY want a jet pack, folks), but calling this “safe” is just outrageous. There’s nothing safe about strapping twin jet engines on your back, I don’t care how much Kevlar you’re wearing. And this guy’s not even wearing gloves!

As far as jet packs go, though, this is excellent: it runs on gasoline, it hovers if you let go of the controls, you don’t need a pilot’s license to fly it, it probably won’t kill you … at least not right away, oh and did I mention it’s a JET PACK?!

Who wants to donate to the “Paul Gets A Jet Pack” fund??


Mankind’s Greatest Threat

February 16, 2010

My friend Devon posed an interesting question to the world via his gmail status about incredible dangers to mankind and civilization as we know it: “could there be any greater threat to humanity than zombie robots?”

At first, I thought, well, hell, he might just have a point, there … until I gave it some thought…

Killer zombie angry hippos with an insatiable taste for human blood. BOOM! There’s your threat, humanity!

How the hell would you stop a two ton angry zombie hippo? I mean, hell, how do you stop a normal angry hippo, let alone an angry hippo with a taste for human blood? Answer: You can’t. It would be a horrifyingly deranged game of hungry hungry hippos where people are the marbles and the unstoppable zombie hippos chase you down!

Sure, there are some logistical issues like, “how’d the hippos turn into zombies in the first place?” and “how’d they get the taste of human blood?” and “how the hell would they travel across continents?” and “would humans turn into zombies after being bitten?” and other nonsensical questions that can all be answered with logic: There’s an evolutionary virus that triggered once hippos were spread out through enough zoos and rivers worldwide that turns them into insatiably hungry, head-eating zombies seeking out the largest, most abundant, most defenseless food source around: humans. See what I mean? logic.

And then we’d all die. Because you can’t stop an angry zombie hippo that’s out to get you. The zombie hippos would take over the world. Our best defense, I think, would be stairs. Lots of stairs.

But oh god. What if the killer zombie hippos were robots?!


King of the Block

January 19, 2010

You know how you know you’ve finally made it to the big time of life? When you’ve finally struck it rich?

When you have a urinal in your house. I mean, does it get any better than that??

That’s how you become King of the Block.

I wonder if my landlord would let us install one…