Archive for the ‘humor’ category

Four Resolutions You Won’t Keep

December 28, 2010

It’s getting to be that time of year, again. You know, the end of the year. And also the beginning of the year. We’re at the precipice of the dawn of a new year! and all that other crap.

Now, I don’t make new year’s resolutions, but I know that some of you do. And you make lists of them. Lists. So I went ahead and Googled some common resolutions, so I could add my insight. Here’s my list of the top resolutions you won’t keep, and my solution to your problem.

1) Lose Ten Pounds
Why you won’t keep it:
It’s HARD to lose ten pounds! And even harder to keep the ten pounds OFF for an entire year. Ugh. An you have to exercise and eat less? Fuck that.
Paul’s Solution: GAIN ten pounds. Because you know what’s super easy? Putting ON weight. And food is delicious. And NOT exercising is pretty damn relaxing. Sure, it’s maybe not the sexiest resolution, but I bet it makes you feel pretty damn awesome doing it.

2) Start A New Hobby
Why you won’t keep it:
Ugh. BORING! Unless this new hobby is something kick ass like “learn to turn normal everyday items, like a chainsaw, into a weapon for the coming zombie apocolypse,” starting a new hobby – like, say, knitting – sounds pretty lame. And routines are hard to break, so fitting a new hobby into your life could be really time consuming.
Paul’s Solution: Quit an old hobby. Like knitting. Nobody actually likes people who knit, we just like it when you give us free scarves or hats, even though they’re too loosely knit to actually serve any kind of useful function. Knitters think they’re better than other people, but, really, they’re taking perfectly good zombie-fighting weapons and completely mis-appropriating them to make useless crap with yarn.

3) Drink Less / Quit Drinking Entirely
Why you won’t keep it:
Because drinking is awesome. You feel great (at least until morning), it tastes good, it brings people together, it might help you get laid, it’s fun, it helps you forget all that debt you accumulated going to an over-priced school … I could go on, but, really, what’s the point. Don’t quit drinking. Unless you lost your job because of it. Or something else equally serious. Then you should probably quit drinking.
Paul’s Solution: Drink more water before you go to sleep after a night of drinking. Hydration fights the hangover, and hangovers are at least one of the reasons you want to stop anyway (I can’t help you stop the stupid shit you do/say when you’re hammered. Quick potential solution: buy a helmet to keep safe and duct tape to cover your mouth). Eliminate the hangover, eliminate the problem. So drink up!

4) Help Others
Why you won’t keep it:
Fuck “others.” How’s about they help ME? I’m stretched pretty thin, what with paying bills, student loans (hence the drinking, see above), and other miscellaneous shit that costs money, and I could totally use some extra cash, but I don’t see people lining up to give me charity. We might be coming out of a recession, but I sure as hell don’t feel better about my personal financial state of affairs. The only reason I’m going to a soup kitchen is for the free dinner.
Paul’s Solution: Grow a mustache for charity and get other people to help others in your name. Boom. Done. Check it out:

So, there you have it, potential “new year, new you”s. Good luck with all that betterment. I’m going to go sit on the couch, crack open a beer, throw away some yarn, and not shave. Bring on 2011!



Best Party Ever

December 15, 2010


God: Satan?
Satan: ‘Sup?
G: So, I was wondering if you could do me a favor?
S: Umm…Do you think you’re in any position to ask me of anything?
G: Umm…Do you think you’re in any position to refuse?
S: (sighs)…What do you need…?
G: Well, I’m planning on throwing a party, a sort of 6 billionth anniversary party with all of my friends, and well…
S:  And well, what? You’d like me to come? You need me to bring something—some pita chips and hummus?
G: Actually…I was wondering if I could use your place.
S: Use my place? Your party? At my place? Dude…
G: Come on! Your place is so much cooler than mine! Plus, you’ve got way more space…
S: This is so not fair; I hope you know that right…
G: Of course it’s fair. I mean, it’s fair if I say it’s fair.
S: Oh, come down from that high horse, for once!
G: Hey now! Watch your tongue, let’s not rehash old battles…
S: You think you know EVERYTHING!
G: Well, I mean, it’s a lot deeper than “knowing” but I wouldn’t expect you to understand that.
S: Whatever. You think you can insult me and expect me to just open up my home to you and your loser friends?
G: Well…yes?
S: Ha! The gall! You’re simply unbelievable.
G: …
S: (sighs) What time are people coming over?
G: So, there’s another tidbit of info…
S: What now?
G: Well, can you like, be somewhere else during the party? My friends feel you’re kind of a killbuzz…
S: What?! ME?! What? And it’s not “killbuzz”, it’s “buzzkill”. There’s no such word as “killbuzz”.
G: Well, I’m fairly certain it’s a word now.
S: Puh.
G: In fact, it’s appearing on a piece of toast under a picture of my son…right…now.
S: Whatever.
G: That’s really gonna mess those people up!
S: You’re so manipulative.
G: Watch it…Envy’s a sin.
S: What’s the worst that could happen to me?
G: Don’t tempt me man.
S: Again, whatever.
G: So, yeah. Quick recap—party at your place, please don’t be there, and we’re starting instantaneously.
S: Go to hell.

-Springfield, IL

Purse, Satchel, Carry-all- I want one

December 9, 2010

It's European.

Why can’t dudes use purses?

I mean, I have a messenger bag in which I carry my computer, some papers, and little book that I take notes in it, but because it is large enough to hold a computer, I usually don’t get crap about it. However, if I were to get a smaller version of the same thing, upgrade from a laptop to an iPad, and carry that around, apparently I become a dandy.

Back in the day- the medieval day, mind you- men would carry satchels around with all of their stuff in it- “satchels” that if they were on the clearance rack at Filene’s Basement would garner serious attention from the most the “fairer sex” and from the “fairer sex” only. Why is that?

My pockets can only hold so much! I have important business papers (or something) to carry, and I don’t want a briefcase- I want to have my hands free so that I might encounter whatever life throws at me. Nobody ever called Indiana Jones a fairy. Indiana Jones carries a purse. Indiana Jones also single handedly defeated the Nazis. Therefore it follows that purse-wearing destroys fascism. We could all hope to live in a world free of fascism- where men are free to wear purses without reprisal. I dream of such a world. Won’t you join me?

-Springfield, IL


What's he's wearing over his shoulder? Just the saving grace of free people everywhere.

Stranger Excellence

November 15, 2010

Life. In Transit.

Last Friday started out like most Fridays: Force myself out of bed to make it out the door before 6:40 to catch the train and head to work.

I was actually in a fairly foul mood, despite it being Friday. I had to work quite late pretty much all week on a series of projects and really just did not want to get out of bed and commute for an hour and a half. You know how it is.

Anyway. I was walking from the subway to the commuter rail, and just as I was about to cross the street, an older woman walking towards me makes eye contact, stops, grabs my arm and, with an ear to ear grin, enthusiastically says, “Happy Friday!” She then patted my arm and continued on her way.

I was totally taken off guard at first because of the randomness of a stranger touching me at 7:08 on the sidewalk in Harlem, but once she smiled and said “Happy Friday,” my bad mood lifted, the skies parted and I wanted to run back and tell her THANKS! for making my Friday 100% better.

But I thought better of it. She looked a bit crazy and there’s a chance she was homeless. Either way, this was the exact opposite of stranger danger. It was stranger excellence!

I now look for her often during my morning commute, but haven’t seen her since. She probably would have been helpful that morning when we didn’t have hot water…

Happy Today!

Life, In Transit

July 12, 2010

It’s been an incredibly long time since we here at The Very Important Things have posted anything, and for that I apologize. It’s been busy and, unfortunately, TVIP has been the victim of my lack of free time.

One of the reasons for this newfound timelessness is my landing of a new job. With an hour and a half commute (I know what you’re thinking: there’s your free time right there, paul! – and you’d be right. So writing shall recommence.).

I’m also going to add a new repeating theme/section: Life, In Transit. LiT will document some random thoughts, sights, sounds, ramblings, events, etc  from my life, in transit.

Here’s the first go.

Life, In Transit.

Today, on the final leg of my end-of-the-day commute, as I trekked up the subway stairs at 96th street, I saw a man, presumably homeless, asleep on the stairs. His sole  possession, aside from the clothes on his back, was a sword – a katana, really – in a sheath, in a garbage bag.

No part of that was hyperbolic in the telling.

A homeless man, asleep on the stairs, with a sword in a garbage bag.

Several things came to mind when I saw this:
1) What the hell is a homeless guy doing with a sword??
2) I bet no other homeless people mess with this guy.
3) I kind of want to steal his sword.
4) That’s a REALLY stupid idea. That could go REALLY wrong.
5) I wonder if he’s a homeless ninja…
6) A homeless ninja would be a really awesome recurring character in a book/story/tv show/blog…
7) Bob, The Homeless Ninja. Harry, The Homeless Ninja. Brian, The Homeless Ninja…
8 ) Crimefighting homeless ninja?
9) Nah, just ass-kicking homeless ninja, maybe a little down on his luck
10) This recession has been especially hard on freelance ass kickory.
11) I wonder if ninjas have a union…
12) ad nauseum

I guess my point here is this: Beware sword-wielding homeless men.


Away Team Fan

May 5, 2010

The crowds gather. Hotdogs and beers are bought. Everyone’s decked out in team paraphernalia. Excitement builds. The national anthem plays. It begins. The game opens with a hit.

And you’re the only one in your section to cheer, boldly identifying yourself as an Away Team Fan.

photo: hockeytown

I like to think I fall into the “lovable away team fan” zone because, being a Cubs fan my whole life, I’ve developed a well-honed self-deprecating loathing/sense of humor towards my team and can talk at length about our weaknesses, all with a smile on my face. Most Home Team Fans appreciate this and will identify me as a true fan of baseball, and not give me too hard of a time.

This is a delicate situation, though, and can be ruined by any number of things.

1)      A Home Team Fan taking the jokes about your team too far. It’s like how we can make jokes about our girlfriends, but if our friend makes the same or similar joke, he’s liable to get hit.

2)      You encounter the “loud, obnoxious, awful human being away team fan,” and they ruin the whole game watching experience with outlandish cheering, rudeness and overall douchebaggery.  Oftentimes at Yankee Stadium, this fan will be singled out by Home Team Fans as a problem, ridiculed into action, and kicked out of the park by security.

3)      You encounter the away team fan that doesn’t know their head from a baseball and only goes to the games to get drunk and yell about stuff. This can often lead to ridicule from the ENTIRE section and, as I recently had to do, can cause other Away Team Fans in the vicinity to throw said moronic fan to the wolves and side with the Home Team Fans in annoyance towards said moron fan.

4)      The Home Team loses, causing Home Team Fans to get overly drunk and angry at you for your support of the victorious Away Team. Beware drunk, angry Home Team Fans, especially on public transit – they will probably yell at you.

5)      The Home Team wins, causing Home Team Fans to get overly drunk and superior-feeling over you for your support of the defeated Away Team. Beware drunk, superior Home Team Fans, especially on public transit – they will probably yell at you.

6)      The Home Team is also a less than stellar ball club and defeats your team, causing the Home Team Fans to get overly drunk and condescending towards you. Guess what, Mets fans, your team is still terrible. And what happened to the Cubs tonight? I don’t know, probably the same thing that happens to them every year. How can you hate fans of teams that never win?!

It’s a delicate thing, being an Away Team Fan. Lost can happen. It’s best to surround yourself with friends, preferably of the Home Team Fan variety, so they can intervene with the all-important “they’re with me, it’s cool” to quell the anger/superiorness/condescension of Home Team Fans.

The only time it’s truly acceptable to be an Away Team Fan is if you’re a Cubs fan watching a Cubs vs Brewers game at Wrigley North … oh. Sorry. I mean Miller Park. It’s easier and cheaper for Cubs fans to go to games at Miller Park than Wrigley Field, and oftentimes Cubs fans will outnumber Brewers fans, effecting turning Away Team Fans into Home Team Fans. Sorry Milwaukee.

Go Cubs.


Washington, DC

April 16, 2010

Hi Washington, DC.

All in all, I like you. You’re a cute little city and your downtown is very clean. I also enjoy the sight seeing and free museums.

I had some issues, though, with your Metro system. Yes, it got me around just fine and it was easy to figure out and it was very helpful and all that. And getting cell phone service on most lines was SUPER convenient! But three things bother me.

1) Who the hell put CARPET on subway cars?! That’s just nasty.

2) I have to use my metro card both when I enter AND leave the subway?! COME ON! That’s just inconvenient.

3) It’s pretty dark in your stations. Making it a) difficult to read my book and b) totally unsafe. Invest in some lights!

Anyway, I plan on visiting again soon. You know, for the museums. But get to work on this subway system, ok?