Four Resolutions You Won’t Keep

It’s getting to be that time of year, again. You know, the end of the year. And also the beginning of the year. We’re at the precipice of the dawn of a new year! and all that other crap.

Now, I don’t make new year’s resolutions, but I know that some of you do. And you make lists of them. Lists. So I went ahead and Googled some common resolutions, so I could add my insight. Here’s my list of the top resolutions you won’t keep, and my solution to your problem.

1) Lose Ten Pounds
Why you won’t keep it:
It’s HARD to lose ten pounds! And even harder to keep the ten pounds OFF for an entire year. Ugh. An you have to exercise and eat less? Fuck that.
Paul’s Solution: GAIN ten pounds. Because you know what’s super easy? Putting ON weight. And food is delicious. And NOT exercising is pretty damn relaxing. Sure, it’s maybe not the sexiest resolution, but I bet it makes you feel pretty damn awesome doing it.

2) Start A New Hobby
Why you won’t keep it:
Ugh. BORING! Unless this new hobby is something kick ass like “learn to turn normal everyday items, like a chainsaw, into a weapon for the coming zombie apocolypse,” starting a new hobby – like, say, knitting – sounds pretty lame. And routines are hard to break, so fitting a new hobby into your life could be really time consuming.
Paul’s Solution: Quit an old hobby. Like knitting. Nobody actually likes people who knit, we just like it when you give us free scarves or hats, even though they’re too loosely knit to actually serve any kind of useful function. Knitters think they’re better than other people, but, really, they’re taking perfectly good zombie-fighting weapons and completely mis-appropriating them to make useless crap with yarn.

3) Drink Less / Quit Drinking Entirely
Why you won’t keep it:
Because drinking is awesome. You feel great (at least until morning), it tastes good, it brings people together, it might help you get laid, it’s fun, it helps you forget all that debt you accumulated going to an over-priced school … I could go on, but, really, what’s the point. Don’t quit drinking. Unless you lost your job because of it. Or something else equally serious. Then you should probably quit drinking.
Paul’s Solution: Drink more water before you go to sleep after a night of drinking. Hydration fights the hangover, and hangovers are at least one of the reasons you want to stop anyway (I can’t help you stop the stupid shit you do/say when you’re hammered. Quick potential solution: buy a helmet to keep safe and duct tape to cover your mouth). Eliminate the hangover, eliminate the problem. So drink up!

4) Help Others
Why you won’t keep it:
Fuck “others.” How’s about they help ME? I’m stretched pretty thin, what with paying bills, student loans (hence the drinking, see above), and other miscellaneous shit that costs money, and I could totally use some extra cash, but I don’t see people lining up to give me charity. We might be coming out of a recession, but I sure as hell don’t feel better about my personal financial state of affairs. The only reason I’m going to a soup kitchen is for the free dinner.
Paul’s Solution: Grow a mustache for charity and get other people to help others in your name. Boom. Done. Check it out: http://mustachesforkids.org/

So, there you have it, potential “new year, new you”s. Good luck with all that betterment. I’m going to go sit on the couch, crack open a beer, throw away some yarn, and not shave. Bring on 2011!

NY,NY

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2 Comments on “Four Resolutions You Won’t Keep”

  1. Art Says:

    i think i’ll get started on that first one right away- no need to wait until the new year to start packing on the pounds


  2. […] Alaskan Brewing Company is an excellent brewery and now that you’ve broken all your previous new years resolutions, make a new one – drink more Alaskan […]


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