Oprah’s Santa Special

Oprah: We have a VERY special guest for you today. Some of you may have even fed him. A man that shares my love of milk and cookies, the one, the only, Santa Claus!
<crowd erupts into cheers. Women yell. Children faint. It’s like the Beatles but better. Santa, looking svelte, jogs out onto the stage.>
Santa: Thanks everyone! <bows> <claps back at the audience> <hugs Oprah> <sits>
O: Thanks for coming, Santa! And on Christmas, no less. I’d’ve thought you’d be tired.
S: Well, you know, I mean, we obviously do all of our work Christmas Eve, but, Oprah, there are upwards of two billion Christians out there! We mastered the whole “magical manipulation of time” thing decades ago, so it really isn’t so bad. And the sleigh is quite comfortable.
O: Santa, I have to say, you’re looking pretty good despite all that milk and all those cookies. I think people were expecting to see, you know…
S: A fat man?
O: I was going to say large and jovial man, but fat works.
S: Okay. One time. ONE TIME a guy gets stuck in a chimney and he’s stuck with the “fat and jolly” label for eternity. <stands up and lifts his shirt, pointing to, against all odds, Santa’s Six Pack Abs> I worked my ass off for these, literally!
O: <blushes> Why, Santa <fans herself> I bet the Mrs. quite likes the slimmer you!
<audience hoots and hollers>
S: And there’s another thing that really gets me going. Mrs. Claus is NOT fat. You know that girl Giselle (Naughty List) that’s married to that handsome quarterback Tom somethingorother (Good List)? Mrs. Claus maker HER look ugly.
O: Now, Cubby Claus, let’s not get worked up here. I didn’t mean to offend. How about it audience? Do we like the new look on Mr. Claus?
<wild cheering>
<a thrown bra lands on Santa’s head. He removes it. >
S: haha, thanks, Ladies, but I’m a married man.
O: Okay audience, we have another surprise! If you look under your seats you’ll find….
<santa interrupts>
S: <visibly angry> You would, wouldn’t you. Right in front of me. You know, Oprah, the whole “giving things away” shtick that you do? That’s MY thing! You’ve been using my material for years, and not once have I heard a “thanks for the idea, Santa.” You didn’t even write a letter.
O: Wel,, agai…
<Santa angrily stands up>
S: No. No. I’m done with this. I’m out.
<starts to leave. stops>
S: And you know that show that you do where you give away all of YOUR favorite crap? I invented that, too. Except I give kids THEIR favorite things! Suck on that!
<storms out>
O: I guess that’s our show for today. Merry Christmas, everyone.


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