Unanswerable Questions

Unanswerable Question: How can we, in a time when I carry the internet in my pocket, can connect to anyone, anytime with my tiny cell phone, NOT have mastered umbrella technology yet?

Here’s what we need: An affordable umbrella that’s impervious to being inverted by the wind. I know there are a few models out there that claim to be wind-proof, but I also don’t want to pay $80 for an umbrella. I like to think that someone can invent a way to cheaply produce the perfect umbrella. I feel like umbrella technology has sort of stalled at Mary Poppins (hell, a flying umbrella is pretty much the pinnacle of umbrella technology) … so press on umbrella scientists! PRESS ON!

I mean, let’s take look at coat technology. Remember being a kid and the only way to truly stay warm was to layer like crazy and then throw on a giant thick coat (Starter pullover, anyone?) so you look like Randy in A Christmas Story (I can’t put my arms down!). Now I can wear a tee shirt under a jacket-thin coat and be kept incredibly warm, even in below-zero weather. Where’s this kind of innovation with the umbrella?!

And how about umbrella salesmen on the street corner? There’s no twirling like we saw in Seinfeld, there’s just some creepy dude with a shoddy $4 umbrella that probably cost about five cents and will break before you make it to the office. There’s no pageantry in that. And no respite from the wind and rain, either.


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9 Comments on “Unanswerable Questions”

  1. Danielle Says:

    check this out…slightly less than $80, but i think it looks outrageous! clearly it’s wind proof, but can it be functionable?? hands free, yes, but what about everything bellow your belly button??? DRENCHED!


  2. what in the hell is THAT thing?!

  3. Jan Says:

    here’s your opportunity, Paul. Invent what you’re talking about, without soaking everyone on the price. Ha.

  4. Jackie Says:

    I’m pleased to say that I’ve had the same umbrella for 2 years and it fits in my purse… It does get inverted by the wind BUT it goes back into shape after! I think that’s as good as it’s going to get… We’ve hit the ceiling on umbrellas

  5. Gia Says:

    hahaha omg… This thought runs through my mind every time that this “windy city” lives up to its name while throwing some rain at me.

    There needs to be an umbrella revolution… or something. Thank you for starting to raise awareness on a much neglected important issue. 🙂

  6. blackwatertown Says:

    Use a small umbrella. That’s the answer. Not one of those vast golfing canopies with a financial sponsor’s name on it. Not a gigantic cover that’ll force other pedestrians onto the roadway to save their eyes from being poked out. We’ve got one that works fine on windy days. Admittedly it does say Mr Happy and would better suit a child. But it keeps you dry – and distinctive.

  7. tudor Says:

    you could use reinforced steel bars and car springs but i guess that umbrella would be pretty heavy 😀

  8. Brandy Says:

    My thoughts exactly. I was just saying this very thing to someone the other day. LOL, glad I’m not the only one who feels this way.

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