Mankind’s Greatest Threat

My friend Devon posed an interesting question to the world via his gmail status about incredible dangers to mankind and civilization as we know it: “could there be any greater threat to humanity than zombie robots?”

At first, I thought, well, hell, he might just have a point, there … until I gave it some thought…

Killer zombie angry hippos with an insatiable taste for human blood. BOOM! There’s your threat, humanity!

How the hell would you stop a two ton angry zombie hippo? I mean, hell, how do you stop a normal angry hippo, let alone an angry hippo with a taste for human blood? Answer: You can’t. It would be a horrifyingly deranged game of hungry hungry hippos where people are the marbles and the unstoppable zombie hippos chase you down!

Sure, there are some logistical issues like, “how’d the hippos turn into zombies in the first place?” and “how’d they get the taste of human blood?” and “how the hell would they travel across continents?” and “would humans turn into zombies after being bitten?” and other nonsensical questions that can all be answered with logic: There’s an evolutionary virus that triggered once hippos were spread out through enough zoos and rivers worldwide that turns them into insatiably hungry, head-eating zombies seeking out the largest, most abundant, most defenseless food source around: humans. See what I mean? logic.

And then we’d all die. Because you can’t stop an angry zombie hippo that’s out to get you. The zombie hippos would take over the world. Our best defense, I think, would be stairs. Lots of stairs.

But oh god. What if the killer zombie hippos were robots?!


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10 Comments on “Mankind’s Greatest Threat”

  1. Ben Says:

    I couldn’t agree more. And I think I want to sign you up to help Janelle and I write our upcoming horror flick we thought of on a float trip last summer. Zombie Turtles. That would make for a very scary canoe trip down a river, eh?

    • zombie turtles?!

      so many possibilities! giant alligator snapping zombie turtles that rip apart the canoe, little painted zombie turtles that look all innocent and then eat your face… consider me signed up to help write the flick.

  2. Janelle Says:


  3. Devon Says:

    I read this post b/c it was tagged ‘humor’ so I thought it would make me laugh. Perhaps instead it should be tagged ‘scary’ b/c when I read it I got scared and it made me cry.

    • that’s a fair point. I really should have tagged it as “absolutely terrifying” or “not for the faint of heart” or “mind blowingly scary” or “death by zombie hippo”

  4. Art Says:

    zombieland 2: rise of the hippos?

  5. Jan Says:

    flaws in the logic. if the killer zombie hippos were robots, they would have no desire to eat humans. Also, why wouldn’t they eat each other? Do zombies eat each other? If not, why not! It’s not like they have a lot of brain power going on.
    Or, perhaps they are gaining brain power by eating the humans! You’re right, build more stairs!!

  6. Phil Says:

    “would humans turn into zombies after being bitten?”

    They’d turn into zombie hippos. If I saw a zombie hippo that had a slight resemblance to Art, I would piss my pants. I don’t care.

  7. Danielle Says:

    One main problem…hippos, even crazy zombie robot hippos, are HERBIVORES!!!!

    • yeah, but they attack alligators (crocs?) and people. they get all agitated.

      And you clearly missed the fact that the zombie virus gives them an insatiable taste for human blood. That’s crucial to the theory that they’re our greatest threat. CRUCIAL!

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