so, there’s some good news and some bad news about sex…

Apparently the G-Spot does exist!

In a Gallic riposte to researchers at King’s College London , a gathering of French doctors insisted the G spot – supposedly a cluster of internal nerve endings – is far from a myth.

Well, that’s interesting! Here’s point #2!

“I’ve just been told something I didn’t know; that eating pork improves your sex life … I’d say it’s a lot nicer to eat a bit of grilled pork than take Viagra,” President Cristina Fernandez said to leaders of the pig farming industry.

Say whaddaya know?! Pork!

So, what’s the good news and what’s the bad news? I think it’s pretty obvious if you’re a red-blooded American male who makes notches in their bedposts but cries after every encounter…

If pork (bacon) can do the same for me as what Viagra can do, then a candlelit dinner of BLT’s sounds like a sexy Valentine’s Day to me. Honestly, I’m pretty sure we’ve kind of known that fact about pork all along. I know that when I eat a handful of bacon, something inside me jolts a little bit (it could be my heart, but oh, be still my heart!) and I become aroused or incredibly sleepy- which is what usually happens after I become aroused. This could save someone (not me) potentially hundreds of dollars a year (not me) in creams, oils, and yes the little blue pills that have become so popular (not me). And besides, what’s sexier than bacon? Fruit? Chocolate? That is so 20th century. That is what your GRANDPARENTS used to get off. Do you wanna have sex like your GRANDPARENTS? I certainly don’t want to anymore. Bacon is the aphrodisiac of the future.

The G-Spot. Where to start? It reminds me of a time in my youth, when the larger family would get together for Easter festivities- we’d go to church, we’d sit and talk, and we’d have an Easter Egg hunt. Now, being a youngster, the Easter Egg hunt was a big deal. Finding the most eggs, getting the most chocolate or candy, and being better than your kin is something that every 6-year-old kid cherishes. Unfortunately, if you aren’t as good as searching for eggs than your cousins, because you’re from out-of-town and you don’t know that it’s okay to look behind the storage shed with all the creepy and sharp-looking bushes and that the garage full of power tools is apparently NOT off-limits (thanks mom!) you have really nowhere to look! But you keep looking. You’ve been instilled some source of hope by your loved ones that if you keep searching, you will find AT LEAST ONE, and it will be AWESOME, because it’s just for you. Except, you never find it. You start to think that it’s one elaborate joke played on you by your whole family to embarrass you and scar you for life. This,  my friends, is the exact same issue with the G-Spot.

That original finding by the British that said that the G-Spot was a myth, drew a collective sigh of relief from billions of men (or the thousands who actually read British medical journals). Why should we men spend all this time trying to please a woman, when it turns out, you actually can’t? Women have fooled us men into thinking that they can enjoy sex as much as we men can, but it turns out they and the British we wrong. WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO NOW?! I don’t know what I’m doing in the bedroom! The only sex moves that I know are from imitating John Bender from “The Breakfast Club” and the 45 seconds I saw of one my uncle’s porno tapes. That’s it! How am I supposed to know how to pleasure a woman on something that has only been discovered by science THIS YEAR?! As a man (yes, that’s right, a MAN) a woman’s concerns in the boudoir are secondary to my own- which is why I have so many notches in my bedpost- so to think that I will listen to hear to find out what she needs is preposterous, ludicrous, and frankly un-American.

Springfield, IL

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